Friday, December 14, 2007

No More

When the pain is too much, she gets numb.
Make it unbearable 'till she feels no more...

Visual Creatures

While men are huddling around with women as their talking point, well...on the other side, women are having consensus that men are certainly visual creatures, they can't help...but look.

Of course, men are just scattered around. You can have an eye on them everywhere.

Here he is...Mr. Just-Like-A-Slobbering-Dog

I just needed one ride and I'll be at my destination ready to do some work. Almost late and with dwindling patience, I waited for a vehicle that could possibly fly and bring me there. Few inches from me was a guy with his head going back and forth ready to grab a door of an empty cab. "Seems everyone is so preoccupied by such a busy day".... I told myself

Suddenly, a lady just crossed the road. She got smooth legs under her mini skirt, well sculptured shoulder, red pair of lips and hips that moved like a pendulum.

In the real world, everything was still moving at the normal speed but not for the guy who was few inches from me. He stared at the lady as if the moment was in slow motion. Who seemed to be a busy guy just minutes ago turned out to be a slobbering dog. I observed him while his gaze was fixed at the gorgeous lady and I could tell that if a meteor was about to fall on the ground and crush him into pieces, because of the moving flesh...he wouldn't care.

Meet him...Mr. Oblivious-Of-My-Presence

At work, it was our 15-minute break. My office mate and I went downstairs and headed at the smoking area. I don't smoke but decided to go with him to warm myself a bit since the air con was blowing straight at my workstation making me feel as if I'm working at the North Pole.

It was a good conversation not until he moved his head 90 degrees angular. A voluptuous woman passing by stole his attention from me. As I speak, my voice trailed off and my mind just found way to end with what i was saying. For a moment he became oblivious of my presence. I felt invisible.

There was an uncomfortable feeling. I asked myself " that insecurity?". But who the hell cares if she's sexy and I'm not? Maybe the guy I'm talking to cares...but not me.

I know I shouldn't expect others to treat me the way I treat them, most of the time that's not how the world works, but personally I'm taking it as something unfair. When I am with a guy and he's on the verve of conversing with me, I look into his eyes and give him an undivided attention. Mr. Oblivious-Of-My-Presence could have realized that at the moment. And if I'm talking with someone I value so much, I don't even care whether a famous celebrity pass by. When i say "I am with you" , I mean "I am with you". I have nothing against those who spot hottie men, I have girlfriends who are good at it and I try to join them by simply giving little comments but hardly take the initiative.

I opened the topic with a friend, by then, I learned I wasn't alone. She got the same notion like i have and that uncomfortable feeling was not something unknown to others.

So what I did? I joined guys. Now I don't mind.

As I was speaking with guys who happen to be my colleagues, a lady passed by. I took a pause in the middle of what I was saying. "Look at her she hottie?" . Trying to hook who among them will make a difference. Funny...they all failed me.

Once I did that with another guy, when I pointed the hottie girl, he looked back at me and uttered, "Reign, are you a lesbian?". I laughed.

To be fair enough, guys may flirt the whole day with all the girls around but at the end of the day before he close his eyes, he only thinks of the one he truly loves. Am I right?

As for me, I am a indeed a visual creature but my eyes are drawn for only one man.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Today, I Make No Sense...

I am jealous or maybe not.

I am upset... and i hate the feeling...Crap!

Someone who doesn't
deserve it at all...

If he doesn't care...why would I?

He has no idea...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Are girls really ASSUMING?

I passed by a clique of guys and eavesdropped for what they agreed upon. As i heard, a lady can jump into a romantic presumptions from a guy who just simply showing a genuine kindness. According to them female species are indeed very "assuming". Anyone who wants to agree?

Well...I belong to that feminine primates they're discussing about but of course i have no plans to butt in or wave a red flag as if a war is about to begin. Instead, I ponder on it and realized things. I can befriend with any gender but I spend most of my time with girls. Want to meet some of them?

Meet Miss Sweet Text Messages...

Inside a cab, I was sitting beside her. As she sent the message to the guy who happened to be her love interest, she told me how she greatly appreciate every reply she got. "Look at this! Isn't he so sweet to me?" . With such extreme enthusiasm she showed me all messages nesting on her inbox. Each has a touch of sweetness with triple smiles by its end.

Little did she know that the guy, our common friend, was sending me messages with the same exact approach as if he has a standard syntax. Sure, i did appreciate the form of affection and could have felt that same tickling feelings but for me duplicating actions sometimes ain't consider special.

If a guy hugs every person in this world, so what if he hugs you?

Meet Miss Delayed Gift...

It was passed her birthday but she met us for a treat. As we waited for the guy, I could sense her excitement and fidgets vibrating on the ground. From a distance, the guy, who again used to be a common friend emerged handling a bag of gift.

We watched movie, finished a dinner...time went by and the gift rested on his own hand 'till we needed to split ways. When it was just me and her, Miss Delayed Gift asked me with such intense disappointment. "See the gift he was carrying? I know it's for me! Why was he so shy to give it?" With a heavy shrug and my few words, all i could say was "I don't know."

After a week, I had learned that on the day we met, the guy went to a Christmas party and the exchange gift he luckily got was the one he was carrying the whole time. So there's no way that Miss Delayed Gift can have it because the gift was exclusively for himself! (

I got more "assuming" stories but let's just go to what I've learned

Yes, girls might be assuming but no, not all of them. Generalizing can be unfair at times.

It takes a keen observation to know what was intended in a real sense and before you begin better set aside your sentiments and be less emotional. Because if you focus on what you feel every simple "hi" and "hello" will feels like close to heaven. Deceiving as it may seems. Distinguish who are just naturally sweet and incurably flirt.

Have a friend beside who can be honest enough to give pieces of advice as soft as hugs and opinions as painful as a slap (thanks i got one).
I believe in woman instinct, when you just knew it. But as long as there's no concrete move from a guy or any serious intentions then keep you mouth shut. Your instinct may be functioning perfectly but feelings change, he might likes you today but not tomorrow.

And by the way, the blame is not entirely for one gender. There are guys who are emotionally provoking. They'll treat you like princess, relish your heart with sugar coated words, makes you feel sexy and when you just bite the bait, he'll say

"You know, it was just nothing..."

Isn't that great? He sounds like it was all your fault and now he calls you "assuming" ?

Anyways all i really want to say is that at some point of our lives it's good to...

Don't expect too much, because it's better to be surprised than be disappointed.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Glass Shoes

So every guy is looking for a lady wearing a pair of glaring glass shoes, a smart option for a man with a good taste. Of course she must be stunning enough to capture a man's heart or should I say a man's sense of sight. Just how a pair of glass shoes needs to be worn with pride, that girl must look good enough to meet a certain standard.

I'm not a princess wearing a pair of glass shoes and i won't bother wear one.

I guess it doesn't lie on the surface where you feet are stepping on. A lot of woman out there might have extravagant toes but with an empty nutshell. Haha. I'm sorry...

A woman can be stunning in her own way and won't even care how a certain man perceives her in a focal point. Comparison is nothing for there might be someone better... but not exactly like her.

I love my shoes worn out by time, it's not as glaring as a glass but nothing can be as comfortable as it is. That's the vital thing in life...being yourself.

It's not "what" pair of shoes but i guess it's "who" wears that shoes...

(it was a topic derived from a friend's YM status "I'm looking for the girl who wears glass... " , it doesn't really mean so much to me but at least i got an idea for a new topic, i should thank him)

Sunday, September 23, 2007


Life stirs seriously at times and i can't help but let tears shed through. There are things you can never expect to be perfect or get it the way you want. It's true that it is easier to smile than to explain why you frown but just let it out and let it be because you can never appreciate how sweet happiness can be if you never tasted those bitter tears.

Let that smile strikes and take humour seriously.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


30th sucks! Oh i just really hate it when the month is almost over. You get your compensation deducted by tax while all bills are like waving as they crave for your attention. So you asked them...which one wants to get to paid first?! Too bad, they all raised and screamed!

Electric bill? Water bill? Tuition fees? Thank goodness we don't rent a house.

Right, i have to rush for groceries. I do it alone so i stay within my budget. Haha.

At the end of it when both body and mind are exhausted, i take a seat and a deep sigh.
There are things that sucks but still love doing it, not because you don't have a choice (well, i really don't) but because you know no one can manage it the way you do, now that also sucks!

Friday, August 24, 2007

He or She

How can anyone be so innocent how wonderful he or she is? When that person close his or her eyes and brings you to a world of serenity. When his or her smile just made your day and you're dying the moment he's or she's not around. When his or her simple words began to take your attention.When his or her simple concern made you feel like you're being taking care of. When suddenly you missed him or her. Suddenly you admired someone. That one who's been around but you didn't bother to take a glance. You know...that's it... but you hardly admit.

Because you never expect it to be that way. Never expect to feel a pinch of pain when it's all about him or her. You laugh asking yourself how can you be so affected?

And now you playing the role of what you think you should be, hiding behind a mask. You never mean it, that's how it all began and that's how you'll end it. Holding it back.

No, you're not brave enough.
Perhaps...both are not brave enough.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Half Awake

I laid my back flat on my bed so i could give my self a deep sigh, it's a great feeling to know that day was close to its end. I kept my self busy and thought of other things so i could forget what really bothers me. Fooling my self while whispering that I'll be fine. It's late at night and I forced myself to sleep. I grabbed a book, I read the lines but my mind was lost somewhere. I let every minute passed by and i hate seeing the clock with tickling sound. I wished my bedsheets could sway me through air while my pillow could sing me a lullaby. With my left arm leaned on my forehead i felt my upper eyelid got heavy, finally i felt asleep. This is what i wanted, at least have a moment to leave my conscious world and get numb. At that very minute i know it's time to give my mind a little rest.

Suddenly, a tear formed on the corner of my eyes, it was warm. Just like what i feel, it's bound to let go. The warm tears began to flow through my cheeks, it fell down as if trying to escape from what's burning inside. I thought i just turned numb and asleep but with the crystal tears that run through...i realized...i was still half awake...

Thursday, July 12, 2007


They say you have to kiss couple of frogs before you find your prince but i say what if you haven't found a prince...not even a frog? If you're going to fill out a form and it's asking for your status, are you going to indicate it as "single" or "stuck-in-a-rut"? Do you feel hyperventilated when someone ask you "so how many relationships you had?" and you were thinking how to divert the topic to government and politics. Is this society set a standard that pressing you hard and giving you so much pressure about being single in your entire life? Would you believe that being alone is nothing more than being lonely? Ask me.

I never had any serious relationship but that doesn't make me innocent about life and love. At any conversation where love and relationship are main topics i could hardly escape from the question "do you have a boyfriend?", I usually don't answer it with by simply saying "NO" but rather answer it with my big " I NEVER HAD". The moment i say those three words, it never fails...they freak out. Comments like "come gotta be kidding!", "what? are you serious?", "why?" , "girl...when you are planning to have one? at the end of the world?". Sometimes i just don't want to answer the question because that will lead to a more elongated interrogation as if I'm trying to vindicate my self from a heinous crime. Any single heart should be unruffled by these encounters because they don't know the story behind, what you had gone, what your going through and who you are?. If you don't want to elaborate, that's fine. You don't owe them an explanation.

I guess there are three reasons why someone remained single.

First reason, BY CHANCE. Let's say you have this one great love but as far as you want him to reciprocate your deep feeling and be your man all he wants to do is to teach how to perfectly wear lipsticks. Your imagination expound and you're dreaming of that one romantic dinner date with him. Your bare eyes opened and there was he, sitting beside you with bunch of curlers on his head and nails neatly polished than yours. No, you're not inside an elegant restaurant, you're inside a salon! Too bad, your heart was captivated by a full blooded gay. How about this crazy feeling for a married man? All you're hoping for is a happy family but it seems that you'll end up as a home wrecker. As you search for a partner in life all you found is an insignificant other. Somehow by chance is synonymous to no luck.

Second reason, BY CHOICE. You have a beeline of suitors waiting for that three letter word, your sweet yes. They invited you for dinner dates but you declined. Your friends and even your mom persuade you that dates are just fine. You definitely got their point but they don't know these guys, it's not that you know everything but you have this woman instinct that makes you sense who are just playing around. Unfortunately they all fall on the same category. You know you can pick anyone at anytime but that would be fooling around. You're smart that's why you're single. It's not that they're Mr. Wrong, they just aren't Mr. Right.

BOTH, that's the third reason. I'm not really sure how to elaborate on this one. Let me try. It's when having a choice with no luck and having no luck to have a choice. Ah..whatever. We have so much listing for this one and there are real people remained single for both reasons but to cut it short, count me in.

So you're single, a certified single. What's next? Your friends are recommending couple of guys to you, they even orchestrate a date with one of your suitors. So what's this? business? You can't venture in a relationship just because they said so, right? I don't mean you only go for someone you deeply love, go for someone at least you like. Gather opinions but have that final decision. But of course you can't take it against your friends, they just want you to be happy.

So what if there's not even a croak from a single frog, focus on yourself. Always look at yourself in a special way, if you don't, who will? (just kidding). Confidence, that's where everything boils down. Maybe that would even makes you noticeable like that girl on a TV commercial who patronize a facial moisturizer or that guy who sprays body cologne throughout his body.

Maximize your time, learn a lot. Master the art of washing dirty dishes, know how to properly hang clothes, fried egg in a perfect round shape. Do i sound like you're preparing to be a housemaid? Nah...i mean have a sense of responsibility. You might not find your Mr/Ms Right because you're basically Mr/Ms Wrong. Go out with friends, have a life, get that job, explore the world. But don't get too busy, you might missed the ONE passing by.

Of course there are lonely nights, when every thing's down and you need someone to console your heart, let's admit it. You dwell on it but not everything is destined to be the way you want. It's either you got the wrong person or you're at the wrong time. I realized, life isn't a well planned wedding, it's a surprise party! So that ONE might emerge in a very unexpected time.

For now, be happy with what you have and anticipate with what you can get. As they say "it takes a lot of muscles to frown than to smile". Singlehood is an opportunity to take, make the most out of it. And when you're ready, you won't even care if you plunge into that pond with your lovely frog!

Friday, May 25, 2007

A Poem Without a Title

I hate it when doomed moment consumed your soul
Don't mind your broken wings, it will heal on its own
Soar with me to show you what's behind each dawn
And let my arms warm each tear of that frozen mourn
With the strength within me we will chase the wild
I'll unchain you from the prison of a whimpering child
Fly with me my dear and just leave what lurks behind
Under my wings...the ravelling past will be unbind
At the top of the mountain i'll let the world hear it loud
I harnessed such rule with neither limit nor bound
With a potent voice within that will shake the ground
Breaking a silence and letting go of a sheltered sound
Within our boundary i'll disobey the law of letting go
Let them punish me for on that day i'll let them know
That i've been a fugitive from a lie i used to grow
I surrender from holding back, let it be and let it flow
We'll cross the ocean like a diamond dazzling clear
In the depth of each heart going beyond with no fear
With the reason to survive and your soul to endear
No hurdle that i can't surpass as long as you're here
Why not scour the forest 'till we find a place to rest
Like two white doves that gone far seeking for a nest
We'll look forward by the morning, anew and fresh
Unruffled by the worst and enthralled by the best
The world is so vast for two souls wandering free
In a manifold forms great things are for you to see
But what this world could offer if HE won't let us be
Wrapped by each wings in a world just you and me
For no place will matter if i'll be there without you
Time isn't precious if alone each second go through
Not a dazzling ocean or even a high mountain will do
You must be mine and i'll beg HIM...if i needed to

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Are you Sensitive Enough?

Can you read between the lines? Have you sense the conflict? Are you aware of the real thing? There are arrays of ways to rephrase it but i guess the real question is "how sensitive are you?".

I laid the reversed question to one of my colleagues. "Would you consider yourself as someone insensitive?. He responded with another question "Who would admit he is?". By then i got what i need to hear followed by stories on the surface of his six months relationship with his girlfriend.

"I'm average, i can be sensitive and insensitive if necessary" he continued.
"Necessary? what does it mean? a sound of puzzled from me.
"I tend to be insensitive when i want my girlfriend to realize things, we have issues just cycling around. Whenever i act as if i don't care, she stopped.
I giggled with his answer, it was so real but i told him that won't always work.

I always believe that there's no such person as insensitive, everyone knows. They just prefer to be in the zone of silence, fear of making the initiative, maybe afraid of confrontation or keeping themselves from dreaded reality and making insensitivity as a form of denial. Through my personal experiences and people involved, that belief i reared with to be a fact turned out to be just a mere opinion.

Not all people are good in distinguishing non verbal cues. Not all can reach the core of each or anyone's emotion. Not all care about, not because they literally don't care but because "they don't know". Funny for me to know but yes, they just "don't know".

Let's take the worst scenario. In psychology, we call them alexythemic, people who are emotionally tone deaf. They can't distinguish their own and anyone else's emotion, because of that, they're having a hard time expressing themselves. Ridiculous isn't it? (am afraid, i belong, haha). Imagine yourself crying after watching a movie and when asked what particularly made you cry, you don't know what to say and you can't even justify the feeling. They are emotionally dysfunctional. For me that's more than insensitivity.

Since human have this gift of emotion incomparable to any living animals, we should be thankful that we "feel" and it's great that in any way we "show". We just have to remember that emotion is essential to action and action is essential to emotion.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Don't you think it's time?

So its been years, you got your own life. New environment , new people. Not interested in meeting someone particular from the past but since this is a small world, boom! You two just bumped into each other. What will you do? Will you fumble from nervous breakdown? Will you let that encounter be the extension of those bitter days? Or will you embrace the moment with bouyancy, show that you're someone who have grown from the past and just moved on?

No right answer but to look at it like a game, your actions and reactions will determine who lose and who wins. No markdowns, just earning more points.

Someone began to open up. With a common friend, she met the guy she'd never seen for years. Their memories aren't that bad but i guess sometimes shit happens and things ended up not so well. She was there to give that simple "hi" and "hello" but the guy's demeanor doesn't fit the friendly intention. Her presence was somehow not appreciated.

Avoid if you can avoid (i do that) but the moment your roads crossed and your eyes met, you gotta handle it. No one can punish you for the grudge you've been keeping for years. Take this...everyone just stepped out from the past and closed the door. Don't leave yourself behind. Years are enough.

At one point, i felt like i don't have the right to encapsulate this idea. In the first place, i hated someone for more than three years (forgive me). He was related to my family so avoiding him wasn't that easy. I treated him like an air, existing but unseen. I couldn't utter his name coz it sounds like a bad word for me, it cuts my eardrum. I hated him for a reason that is too personal and what he did is something i will never forget 'till my last breath.

You read it right,
i will never forget but i did forgive. He heard nothing from me and he suffered from it because i, whom he betrayed was the one who unexpectedly helped him most. I did it without any concern but my action was inevitably in favor of him and the fact that he couldn't look straight to my eyes is enough for revenge.

How was i able to handle it with a bit of grudge? I reserved a little respect. Inside my mind there was an argument whirling around. One said "he doesn't deserve respect" while the other whispered "ei, your just's a reason i can accept but please don't act like God"

So I said " Okay, fine..."

Currently, i can't still utter his name but we got conversations. Though it's a short conversation, i respond if necessary. Right, years are enough and it start from that little respect.

You can find another route for your way but like an angle that reached the vertex- a point where two lines intersect then take a pause...there could be a reason and don't you think it's time?