Half Awake

I laid my back flat on my bed so i could give my self a deep sigh, it's a great feeling to know that day was close to its end. I kept my self busy and thought of other things so i could forget what really bothers me. Fooling my self while whispering that I'll be fine. It's late at night and I forced myself to sleep. I grabbed a book, I read the lines but my mind was lost somewhere. I let every minute passed by and i hate seeing the clock with tickling sound. I wished my bedsheets could sway me through air while my pillow could sing me a lullaby. With my left arm leaned on my forehead i felt my upper eyelid got heavy, finally i felt asleep. This is what i wanted, at least have a moment to leave my conscious world and get numb. At that very minute i know it's time to give my mind a little rest.



Suddenly, a tear formed on the corner of my eyes, it was warm. Just like what i feel, it's bound to let go. The warm tears began to flow through my cheeks, it fell down as if trying to escape from what's burning inside. I thought i just turned numb and asleep but with the crystal tears that run through...i realized...i was still half awake...

Solo

They say you have to kiss couple of frogs before you find your prince but i say what if you haven't found a prince...not even a frog? If you're going to fill out a form and it's asking for your status, are you going to indicate it as "single" or "stuck-in-a-rut"? Do you feel hyperventilated when someone ask you "so how many relationships you had?" and you were thinking how to divert the topic to government and politics. Is this society set a standard that pressing you hard and giving you so much pressure about being single in your entire life? Would you believe that being alone is nothing more than being lonely? Ask me.

I never had any serious relationship but that doesn't make me innocent about life and love. At any conversation where love and relationship are main topics i could hardly escape from the question "do you have a boyfriend?", I usually don't answer it with by simply saying "NO" but rather answer it with my big " I NEVER HAD". The moment i say those three words, it never fails...they freak out. Comments like "come on...you gotta be kidding!", "what? are you serious?", "why?" , "girl...when you are planning to have one? at the end of the world?". Sometimes i just don't want to answer the question because that will lead to a more elongated interrogation as if I'm trying to vindicate my self from a heinous crime. Any single heart should be unruffled by these encounters because they don't know the story behind, what you had gone, what your going through and who you are?. If you don't want to elaborate, that's fine. You don't owe them an explanation.

I guess there are three reasons why someone remained single.

First reason, BY CHANCE. Let's say you have this one great love but as far as you want him to reciprocate your deep feeling and be your man all he wants to do is to teach how to perfectly wear lipsticks. Your imagination expound and you're dreaming of that one romantic dinner date with him. Your bare eyes opened and there was he, sitting beside you with bunch of curlers on his head and nails neatly polished than yours. No, you're not inside an elegant restaurant, you're inside a salon! Too bad, your heart was captivated by a full blooded gay. How about this crazy feeling for a married man? All you're hoping for is a happy family but it seems that you'll end up as a home wrecker. As you search for a partner in life all you found is an insignificant other. Somehow by chance is synonymous to no luck.

Second reason, BY CHOICE. You have a beeline of suitors waiting for that three letter word, your sweet yes. They invited you for dinner dates but you declined. Your friends and even your mom persuade you that dates are just fine. You definitely got their point but they don't know these guys, it's not that you know everything but you have this woman instinct that makes you sense who are just playing around. Unfortunately they all fall on the same category. You know you can pick anyone at anytime but that would be fooling around. You're smart that's why you're single. It's not that they're Mr. Wrong, they just aren't Mr. Right.

BOTH, that's the third reason. I'm not really sure how to elaborate on this one. Let me try. It's when having a choice with no luck and having no luck to have a choice. Ah..whatever. We have so much listing for this one and there are real people remained single for both reasons but to cut it short, count me in.

So you're single, a certified single. What's next? Your friends are recommending couple of guys to you, they even orchestrate a date with one of your suitors. So what's this? business? You can't venture in a relationship just because they said so, right? I don't mean you only go for someone you deeply love, go for someone at least you like. Gather opinions but have that final decision. But of course you can't take it against your friends, they just want you to be happy.

So what if there's not even a croak from a single frog, focus on yourself. Always look at yourself in a special way, if you don't, who will? (just kidding). Confidence, that's where everything boils down. Maybe that would even makes you noticeable like that girl on a TV commercial who patronize a facial moisturizer or that guy who sprays body cologne throughout his body.

Maximize your time, learn a lot. Master the art of washing dirty dishes, know how to properly hang clothes, fried egg in a perfect round shape. Do i sound like you're preparing to be a housemaid? Nah...i mean have a sense of responsibility. You might not find your Mr/Ms Right because you're basically Mr/Ms Wrong. Go out with friends, have a life, get that job, explore the world. But don't get too busy, you might missed the ONE passing by.

Of course there are lonely nights, when every thing's down and you need someone to console your heart, let's admit it. You dwell on it but not everything is destined to be the way you want. It's either you got the wrong person or you're at the wrong time. I realized, life isn't a well planned wedding, it's a surprise party! So that ONE might emerge in a very unexpected time.

For now, be happy with what you have and anticipate with what you can get. As they say "it takes a lot of muscles to frown than to smile". Singlehood is an opportunity to take, make the most out of it. And when you're ready, you won't even care if you plunge into that pond with your lovely frog!